Why is Everyone So Convinced Borack Obama is the Antichrist?
An alarming amount of people hit my blog, by typing in Borack Obama antichrist. He really is not. I’m pretty sure on that. I wonder if people also think McCain is the Antichrist. I havn’et heard any theories on that. Speaking of politics, I really think Palin is very pretty.
Yes, this is about as political as I get. Palin is very pretty, and Borack obama is not the antichrist. Hey I mentioned their names, that’s a start. I know it’s my duty as a a citizen of the United States to be informed and vote, but what if you don’t know who to vote for. I know where I’m leaning, but I’m just slightly leaning.
Of course, my mind should be made up by the alarming amount of people convinced Obama is the Antichrist. I’m really not concerned about that and it doesn’t weigh heavily on my decision.
Am I Snob?
Book club was today. I always like going, though today I felt like I was more of an observer than a participator. My head was killing me, and I had a really full day. I hate this running from sun up to sun down. Still it’s nice to chill with friends.
I wish I had more time to chill with friends.
People at school keep trying to befriend me. I’m so antisocial. I want to be like, “I have enough friends, please leave me alone.” But I’m cordial, and just make a mental note not to sit near them in the next class. Isn’t that terrible. I should try to make friends with people. But if I’m completely honest, I have all the friends I want. I would like to get closer to the ones I already have, and hangout more. But have really no desire to make new ones.
Also, guys are completely too friendly with me. I think they might even be flirting with me. Today at the library, this guy was kind of flirting with me. I so badly wanted to say, “You know, first off I’m married. Second off, even if I wasn’t, fifteen years ago your mom would have hired me to be your babysitter. It’s not going to happen.” Since I’m not mean, I just smiled and pretended to be flattered, and walked away. He was kind of cute though, so instead of being annoyed, maybe I should be flattered. I’m really not though.
What’s even worse, is college guys check you out a lot. I would have liked this in college, but it either didn’t happen or I was oblivious. Since I was better looking back then, it must have happened. I’ve caught myself giving guys dirty looks when they kind of do that up down smile thing. I try to pretend I don’t notice, but sometimes it just ticks me off. I’m not even that good looking either.
And my last little blurb, kind of on the same topic, Kevin always tells me I’m beautiful on my ugly days. Today is my ugly day. I’m just hideous. It only took me ten years to figure out, but when I look ugly he knows to compliment me. He wants to make sure I have enough confidence. It’s the only explanation why he always tells me I’m beautiful on my ugly days. I confronted him about this, and he told me it wasn’t true. Still, I’m onto him. It’s too coincidental, he always tells me I’m beautiful on my ugly days.
You know those people…the pregnant ones, who have to post their ultrasound picture as their profile picture in facebook or myspace. I’m sorry if your one. Maybe it’s the infertility talking, but it annoys me. In fact, I chastise these people in my head. Not verbally, nor to anyone else, just to myself, because I think people would frown on that.
I almost typed that I will never be that person, but who knows… I should never say never. I will frown upon myself if I ever do.
Three Days of Normalcy…Means I’m AOKAY
Well, the pain is completely gone. I found out who my least favorite person in the world is. I was driven crazy by the kids today, Thinking about reopening my ulcerative colitis website. I know I should go to bed, but debating on watching the Office. I need to work out, I’m getting bigger. And the number one most useless fact for today is I’m happy again. That was a terrible week, I seriously couldn’t control the way I felt. Sorry for those who actually read my rants.
I decided Lorelai is out. I was thinking of how people would want to shorten it. Laura, Lorry, neither which is good. Rylie wouldn’t be bad, but I’d have to push that one, which would totally defeat the purpose of Lorelai, since I don’t even like Rylie as a name anyway. . I guess Julia is still the top pick. Andrew is my top pick for a boy and I’d encourage drew over andy, unfortunately, Kevin doesn’t like that either. Or rather he likes it, but knows to many Andrews.
I’m Back
Okay, it’s been two days, and I haven’t had a meltdown. I think the freak out stage has passed. i was even watching a part of gilmore girls, the one where DJ decides to be a contractor and busts a hole in Lorelai’s wall. I laughed like really hard for like really long. Oh, still working on getting Kevin to like the name Lorelai. Maybe I’ll have a boy girl twin, and I can make some sort of deal that he picks the boy name, I pick the girl name, then I’ll call her Lorelai Ayla. Otherwise, I may have to stick to Julia Elizabeth. Ayla means Oak tree, and I would name her that because I would hope that she is as strong and rooted as an oak tree. Lorelai means beautiful enchantress… who wouldn’t want their daughter be like that. Julia means Soft… and I hope she has a soft tender heart. Elizabeth means god is my oath. And I hope she finds God. Or maybe Julia Ayla, wishing soft and tenderness, with stregnth like an oak tree.
It Came
The hormones are subsiding, or at least I didn’t wake with an overwhelming feeling of despair. I’m debating on calling my doctor, and telling them I’m concerned they are overlooking something. So I guess I’ll wait a week, or until I’m in unbearable pain again.
I took last night easy, even though I was supposed to go to a bible study. I wouldn’t have gotten there unil half way through it anyway. Plus, I was trying so hard not to cry on my way home from work. So I just skipped it.
Plus, I spent a good portion of last night kind of angry with God. I worry, is it more sinful to be angry with God, than to be disbelieving? From a child perspective, I know they’d rather have you angry with them, than ignoring them completely. But God is not a child.
I do realize when I’m mad at him, He has a bigger plan than I realize, I just sometimes wonder, how did I get my body, as in the internal structure. So many people around me have these healthy bodies. I wish I understood God better. Or at least could talk to Him in a question answer format. I told him yesterday, “I think sometimes it’s harder for me to deal, because I know You are there. I think it’s easier for the nonbeliever, because they can just ignore You and questions stop there. I know You are there, and I want answers, or at least a hug. But I know it’s been 2000 years since You have given any human a hug, and I’m impatient for my answer.” But it falls back to, I do believe, I do trust Him, I just don’t fully understand Him and the supernatural realm for that matter.
I wonder how I’d be dealing with everything, if my body was normal? If my unhealthy body is the straw that broke the camel’s back or if it broke along time ago, and I’m still adding straw to the poor camel? Either way, I hope today, I’m not going to be a blubbering mess.
Still Late….
I have cried more this week, than I have in a very long time. In the course of a month, I usually cry once, maybe twice if at all. They closely correspond to my period. If i cry at any other time of the month, it’s a tear maybe two. No real sobbing. But this, oh this was real sobbing every time and all day long. I’ll start with Friday. I called to cancel my in vitro appointment, and when they started to give me a hard time, I burst into tears. I tried telling them I thought there was something wrong that might affect my January schedule, but I couldn’t. I hung up on them instead. They called back an hour later and I was a rational embarrassed human being and rescheduled my appointment. Over the weekend, I was okay. I don’t’ think any real tears, just frustration.
Then today occurred. This morning, I cried the moment I left my doctors feeling misunderstood. I cried again when I couldn’t get my prescription. I didn’t cry, but was so upset I started having trouble breathing as I tried beating the clock to get to my exam, in which I was late. I then cried after the exam, because I got back my paper, in which I was very unfairly graded. I cried again when I realized my car lights were on. And then I cried again when I tried to tell Kevin about my day. Yeah, I’m a real winner.
Part of me wonders what’s going on? I mean, I’m too sensitive. Abnormally so. So sensitive, I can’t control it. I do feel I’m in over my head in going back to school, trying to work thirty hours a week, but it’s more than that. And I’m wondering why the world I’m late. I’m like never ever this late. I have been late before. In fact, the last time this happened, I can tell you it was February of 2004. Sad, I know that, but I know that, because I think I might have had a miscarriage. I’m not sure though. But even then, I was only a little over a week late.
In my past, if I’m under a lot of stress, I usually just continue having my period. Or I’ll have extra periods. For instance, everytime I went in to have surgery, I started my period. I might have only had it two weeks before, but oh yes, it would come again. And during a very stressful time, I had my period for six months straight. Yeah, that was fun. But skipping, that’s something my body doesn’t do. And I’m in pain. Not severe… okay… mostly not severe. There was a moment today, when I thought I might have to go into the ER, but mostly not severe.
Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me?
Searches that Got Hits On My Blog Today
Small Cat Head and My cat has a small head and long body
Jessica Price married (How cute someone has a crush)
I think I’m the antichrist (does this one scare you at all?)
Things to not put on your face (this one makes me curious as to the story behind it)
An abnormal number of red head searches in various forms
Revelations predicts Obama (not again)
But most are some form of Jessica Price, infertility and pain threshholds in redheads.
Seriously, you wish you could get the back-story on many of these. 
The Releasion of the Tension
I’m feeling better today. I don’t have this stress hanging over me. I know there is a lot I need to do, but I’m feeling more relaxed.
My uncle ended up having not only a pulmonary embolism, but also a heart attack. Due to it being a crappy hospital, they didn’t realize he had both until 24 hours later. I was just informed today. in fact, he’s not even going to be in Coldwater, now he’ll be in Kalamazoo. Which means I won’t be staying the weekend at my grandma’s. I still need to make it down there one of these weekends.
I’m selfishly relieved, because that means I’ll be able to work on my homework. I will still try to visit him sometime this weekend. Maybe Sunday after church.
Today, I read a story to the girls, and it had the ten commandments in it. I felt convicted by them. It also reminded me how I need to work on my relationship with God. I’ve been backpedaling for awhile.
Oh I canceled my in vitro appointment on Monday, and rescheduled with my gyno. I think something funny is going on, it’s unusual for me to be THIS moody. I think it’s hormonal due to the skipped period and since well, issues are happening.
Reasons Why I Might Be Late… Still
Since we know it’s not pregnancy, and I’m not underweight, that leaves stress. Okay, so I’m under stress… a lot of stress. In fact, I frequently have anxiety issues.
Starting school is a big one for me. It’s different the second time around. There’s all this uncertainty that I don’t remember having the first time through.
Plus, I have been having financial issues, trying to figure out where money for school, in vitro, etc is coming from. Something we haven’t had trouble in the past. I feel like I’m over my head.
And with this stress, I’m constantly double planning due to not logging it into my planner.
Speaking of which, this weekend, when I should be studying for two upcoming exams, I am making a trip home. No, not my parents house, but Coldwater. Further away, yes, I know. And all to visit my uncle.
My uncle kind of ticked me off. I spent sometime with him a couple weekends ago. I discovered he had a clot in his leg. So being an experiencer of a clot in the leg traveling to the lung, I really ragged on him. I lectured him for like a half hour, making him promise to call and make an appointment that following Monday. Since he was just trying to get me off his back, he agreed. I finally was quiet.
But the thing is he didn’t. So this week, I got the call he had a pulmonary embolism, the exact thing I was found to have. This can kill you.
My mom was the one that gave me the call. I started shouting at her. She just took it, and goes, “I know, I know. They think everything is going to be okay, though.”
Not only that family issue, but just a few moments ago, I passed someone who looked like my cousin Keith. Few who read this, know the story of my cousin Keith. I don’t feel like sharing it, it’s beyond horrific. In short, and to put it mildly, he died in the most terrible way imaginable. This happend 17 years ago, but seeing someone who looked liked him, and about the age he was when it happened, my whole body just shuttered. My anxiety level which already was elevated, just sky rocketed. I wanted to avoid him and follow him. Was he artistic? Was he funny? Was he a hundred other things that Keith was?
Oh and I’m kind of ticked off, because my asthma medicine worked again. I went off of it again, convinced I no longer needed it. I realized I was having trouble breathing, and blamed it on my cold. So I gave in and took it. Dang it, I feel better! It’s expensive medicine! As in a few hundred dollars, and yes, I have insurance.
Okay, I’m done ranting.
By the way book club girls, I actually read the book… okay I cheated and have been listening to it on tape in my car as I travel to classes. I’ll refrain from commenting on it till we get together.
